Anguished English

From High School Essays

High school essay goofs from Richard Lederer's Anguished English:

1. The bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the book of Guiness, 
Adam and eve were created from apples.

2. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses 
led them to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread 
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to 
get the ten commandments. He died before he ever saw Canada.

3.David could play the liar and fought with the Finkelsteins. Solomon 
had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

4. Greece was held up with 3 columns--corinthian, ionian and dorc. The 
geeks built the apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 

5. Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured.

6. The greeks ran races, hurled biscuits, and threw java. The victor 
received a coral wreath.

7. Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own 

8. The greeks finally were overcome by the romans. History calls them 
romans because they never sat still.

9. Then came the middle ages when everone was middle aged. King Arthur 
lived in the age of shivery when brave knights rode on prancing horses 
and beautiful women. The blue-bonnet plague caused everyone to grow boobs 
on their necks. Finally, the magna carta proved that no free man should 
be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. In midevil times most people were alliterate. Chaucer wrote many 
poems, verses and some literature. These were the futile ages. People 
would put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other 
mythical creatures.

11. The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value 
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the whittenburg door 
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death being 
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the 
female nude that made him the father of the renaissance.

12. When the virgin Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, 
they all shouted hurrah! There were many great discoveries and 
inventions. Guttenburg invented the bible. Another important invention 
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world 
with a hundred foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the renaissance was W. Shakespeare. He was 
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much 
money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with 
his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of his 
 famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation and relieves himself in 
a long soliloquy. Another great writer  was John Milton. He wrote 
paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote paradise regained.

14. Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin were two singers of the declaration 
of independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats 
together. Then he declared, " a horse divided against itself cannot 
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon the constitution 
of the united states was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. He was born in 
a log cabin which he built with his own bare hands. Lincoln wrote the 
gettysburg address while traveling to gettysburg on the back of an 
envelope.  He freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation proclamation. 
Lincoln was shot by the supposedly insane actor, John Wilkes Booth. This 
ruined his career.

16. In Europe Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and 
had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old 
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Beethoven wrote music even though 
he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

17. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine 
was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

18. The sun never set on the British empire because Britain is in the 
east and the sun sets in the west.

19. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and 
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing 
by machine. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which could 
do the work of a hundred men. Samuel morse invented a code of telpathy. 
Pasteur discovered a cure for Rabbis. Charles Darwin wrote the Organ of 
the species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one 
of the Marx brothers.

20. All this ushered in a new error in the anals of american history.

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